The Antlers Guide to: Friend Breakups
For centuries, we have had pre-written scripts about how to cope with the breakdown of a romantic relationship, an agonizing but common experience that is widely considered an essential rite of passage to become a fully-formed human being. There is an endless supply of media that has been created to depict this reality and guide us through it: from Jane Austen to Bridget Jones, there is no short supply of models for how to cope with romantic heartbreak and move past it. Eventually, we all learn that losing romantic love is simply a part of growing up and that love lost is usually for the best (especially if you’re a woman).
But an equally common (yet far less talked about) experience is the loss of platonic love. In romantic films, TV shows, and books, the romantic turmoil of the protagonist is always contrasted with the enduring stability of their friendships. This trope often takes the form of a static best friend character who offers emotional support and comic relief in the midst of heartbreak, anchoring the lead character in their roots while the rest of their life seems to fall apart. And though it is undoubtedly true that long-lasting and meaningful friendships are essential for surviving the storms of life, there is still something misguided in this portrayal. That’s because in real life, unlike in fictional stories about heartbreak, no character is static. Not even the funny best friend!
As we age out of childhood and young adulthood, new responsibilities, experiences, and values make us more and more incompatible with people we once felt deeply connected to. In 2009, a viral study in the Netherlands found that people replace about half of their friends every 7 years, not due to a deliberate reshuffling of their social circle but the natural breakdown of relationships. For some friendships, that may mean a slow and gradual process of growing apart, while other friendships may end in an abrupt and dramatic fashion. In either case, there will be no rom-com that perfectly sums up how to deal with it. But there is this handy dandy guide we’ve made to help you through the process of losing a friend.
Step 1: Establish whether or not the friendship is really over
If you are someone who is prone to social anxiety, you may be worried that a friend is mad at you or is cutting you off simply because they haven’t spoken to you or responded to you in a while. But this is not a sure sign that a friendship is over, and it could all be in your head!
You can check for signs that a friendship is over by seeing if this person is still following you on social media, asking mutual friends if they’ve heard anything about them being angry with you, or continue trying to get in contact with them.
Just like a romantic entanglement, the healthiest thing to do is always to reach out and try to have a conversation. Anything else is just presumptuous!
Perhaps it is you who is considering ending the friendship. In order to do this, you need to establish how you feel about the situation and articulate it. If your friend did something that hurt you deeply, tell them first and see if they are apologetic. If you and your friend have shifting perspectives on the world that are making you less compatible as friends, accept that and decide whether or not it is worth ending the friendship completely or slowly and politely putting a bit more space between you and them. (You can still wish them a happy birthday and like their Instagram posts and maybe even get coffee every once in a while, but maybe you don’t hang out multiple days a week and tell each other everything that is going on in your lives anymore).
Step 2: Processing the initial realization that it’s over
If there are clear signs that a friend has an issue with you but hasn’t communicated it with you (has unfollowed you on social media, blocked your number, told other friends they are done with you, etc), consider that friendship over. If you want to reach out and talk to them about what prompted this behavior, you can, but don’t expect it to fix things.
If the friend has communicated to you explicitly that they no longer want to be friends, you should also consider that a friendship properly ended.
Perhaps there is no big event or interaction that can be pinpointed as the death of a friendship. Perhaps you simply feel you and your friend slowly growing apart and foresee an end to the friendship altogether. The most important thing for you to do in that scenario is to reach a place of acceptance. If you and your friend are becoming less and less compatible, don’t fight it. You are each on your own path, and perhaps your paths need to diverge right now. You might cross paths again in the future, and you might not, but trust where your path is taking you and know that it is for the best.
STEP 3: ASKING YOURSELF THE HARD QUESTIONS
If you got deliberately friend-ghosted, I am so sorry. That fucking sucks. But you need to ask yourself first: Do you even want to be friends with someone who would end a friendship like that? This is a no-ghosting household, and that goes for romantic and platonic relationships! My therapist will promise you that this is deeply unhealthy behavior, and no one should expect a lack of communication to solve any of their conflicts. Their problem is bigger than you and though it might sting to be ghosted by a friend, there is solace in knowing you do not want to be friends with someone who expresses their frustrations with loved ones this way.
If this termination of friendship (explicit or implicit) is in reaction to something you did, you need to first ask yourself if you genuinely regret your actions. This is a question I do not pose lightly because maybe you should regret what you did, and maybe you shouldn’t. Everyone has different values, so how you answer that question will depend on your own morals and how you feel you measured up to them. If you feel that you acted in accordance with your values, forgive yourself. If you feel like you didn’t, you should probably apologize and process your regret.
STEP 4: Grieving
After you’ve figured out how you feel about the end of a friendship, let yourself fucking feel it. That is what grief is. There is no more analyzing or deciphering of feelings to be done. All that is left to do is actually feel them and feel them completely.
When you miss them, let yourself miss them. If you see something that reminds you of them, let yourself sit with that memory. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to scream, scream (ideally in an environment where no one will think you’re dying and call the cops). The only way out of your grief is through your grief.
If you have concluded that the dissolution of the friendship was a result of your actions and you regret those actions, let yourself grieve that too. I have always said that the most productive emotion for my personal development as a friend, daughter, sister, and partner has been guilt. I would not be the better person I am today if I had not spent time feeling like shit about the person I used to be. I learned what behaviors I regret, and I have made sure not to repeat them. You can too! Contrary to the beliefs of several philosophers who I refuse to Google, I do not believe anyone is born a naturally good person. We have to learn it through trial and error, and that is a very difficult but ultimately rewarding process.
STEP 5: Moving on
Just like romantic heartbreak, you’ll be happy to know that the grief of losing a friend does not last forever. You may not grow out of the pain you experienced, but you will grow around it, and you will grow past it.
Unlike many romantic heartbreaks you may experience, however, we usually walk away from platonic heartbreak with many more fond memories. I am still grateful for all the moments I spent with my ex-best friends feeling understood and loved in ways that I never have with romantic partners. And even though those people are not in my life anymore, I now know that those kinds of connections are possible, and I will be able to recognize them when I come across them in the future.
Most importantly of all, lean into the friendships you still have with people who still want you in their lives. Despite all the friendship breakups I have been through, I know I am not an inherently bad friend because I still have many friendships that have weathered the storms of romantic and platonic chaos with me. And thankfully, the chaos has made us even closer.
In romantic and platonic relationships, I am a firm believer that if two people are meant to be in each other’s lives, they will find their way back to each other. Everyone who is meant to be in your life will be there. I have had a couple of friendships that I was confident were over suddenly reignite years later. I have also had friendships that I was confident would last my entire life suddenly disintegrate for reasons that shocked me. In any case, I encourage you to surrender to the radical belief that it is not a moral failure to lose a friend. Just like a romantic breakup, you are likely to look back at this one day and think “that was for the best.”
In the midst of what was easily my most devastating friendship breakup, I found myself without the person who had been my closest confidante for years at an already very difficult time in my life. In the exact same month, I was broken up with by my boyfriend of over a year. I was fired from my job. And, to top it all off, the one friend who I was counting on to help me through all these woes suddenly wanted nothing to do with me for reasons beyond my control. To say the very least, it was one of the most traumatic periods of my life. But once I accepted the hilariously awful magnitude of everything that had happened, I found solace in surrendering myself to the chaos. I trusted that my life was going in a direction that it was meant to be going, and everything I had lost was not meant to move forward with me into my next chapter. To remind myself of this, I came up with a mantra to whisper to myself whenever I missed my now ex-best-friend. My therapist told me it was a phrase she would be repeating to other clients because it was true and comforting. So now that mantra is my gift to you, as you navigate the woes of platonic heartbreak and learn to forge new friendships: “Growing apart is growing.”
