Breakthrough

by Jessica Raynsford

In a particular time of overwhelm on the full moon in February 2024, when my house (usually bustling and at times overstimulating with noise and movement) was empty, I enjoyed a moonlit bath surrounded by candles and soaked in camomile. I closed  my eyes and started repeating different mantras until one felt right. Having felt such loss of control and having felt so alone, the most profound feeling came with "I've got you, I've got you, I've got you". I repeated this until I received it within myself and felt found again, until tears flowed from my eyes (at this moment realising that you can in fact cry with your eyes shut) and I wrapped my arms around my past, present and future self with urgency and gratitude. I wept as I continued, with my eyes still closed as my smile grew and my eyebrows flexed to form crinkles around my eyes and forehead. At that moment I came home to myself, and for the first time in a long time allowed myself to feel loved, safe and awake. The following day, journalling wasn't enough, so I drew it.